


When words aren't enough

by nonbinarycoded



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: I purposefully left Vax's relationship with the others vague, M/M, Spoilers through the end of the Chroma Conclave arc, lemony snicket voice: here the word 'tired' is used to mean 'really fucking depressed', so you can read this as poly or just these two, vax is very tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9878030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarycoded/pseuds/nonbinarycoded
Summary: Vax loved his friends, but their particular brand of 'make a joke and move on' grieving could weigh on him. He needed someone who would understand, who would listen and encourage rather than brush him off. So he went to Gilmore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for another prompt on tumblr, this one from an anon: "When words aren't enough, Vax/Gilmore."
> 
> Thank you to my lovely beta [intelligentAirhead](http://archiveofourown.org/users/IntelligentAirhead/pseuds/IntelligentAirhead) ([dragonomatopoeia on tumblr](http://dragonomatopoeia.tumblr.com/)) for fixing this up!

It would be an understatement, perhaps one of the biggest of Vax’s life, to say that times were hard. They were getting better slowly, painfully slowly, but they were still hard. The dragons were dead and the cities were saved, sure, great, but nobody ever wanted to continue fairy tales like that past that point. Once the big baddie has been slain, the heroes get their happily ever after and that’s that, right?

Turned out happily ever after involved a lot of city restructuring. It involved a lot of work, and a lot of time, and apparently sometimes involved loss and grief far past when that should be happening. The happily ever after was boring and difficult and nowhere near as nice to listen to as the rest of the story, so nobody liked to tell it. Turned out sometimes the hero had to drag themselves kicking and screaming through a happily ever after, too.

And Vax loved his friends, he really did. He loved them all to death and back— and death, and back, and death, and back again in his sister’s case— but they had a piss poor idea of how to handle things like this. They were all dealing with the stress and grief of the past week in their own ways, but their own ways often involved a lot of drinking and jokes. And while he was definitely in the mood for the former, the latter could grate on his nerves. He needed time for himself. He needed someone to just give him a fucking _I understand, it’s okay_. He didn’t need them trying to move on and laugh. It was hard to come by in such a quick-paced job as his, but he needed time to process and grieve. He just needed time to think.

That is why, more than a little sleep deprived and with half a bottle of the fanciest wine he could find in Whitestone’s cellars in him, Vax went to Gilmore.

He always felt bad knocking on Gilmore’s door too late into the night. Gilmore had reassured him time and time again he didn’t mind, but still, Vax always felt a pang of guilt whenever Gilmore answered the door groggy and in pajamas. Such was the case that night; Gilmore scrubbed a hand over his face as the door swung open, but smiled softly when he realized who it was.

“Vax’ildan. I should have known it was you this late. What brings you here?”

“Can I just-” Vax broke off and sighed, his brain dangling the correct words just barely, tantalizingly out of reach. “Can I come in for a while?”

Gilmore frowned at that, but stepped back from the door to allow Vax inside. “Of course.” Gilmore, still half asleep, was able to process that something was wrong, but not what to do about it. “Is everything alright? I know you’re working for the Raven Queen now, but I don’t think you’re supposed to look like death itself.”

The joke fell flat.

“I’m just tired, Gil.” The way he said it made it feel like there was an unspoken emphasis on the word; that he was not tired, but Tired.

It was a difficult thing to be Tired. When someone was tired, they could take a nap, or spend time doing something relaxing to bring themselves back up to where they should be. Being tired was a relatively easy thing to fix. Being Tired, however, was less so. Because Tiredness, rather than tiredness, was both bone and brain deep. It crept up on a person, then settled heavily over their shoulders like a weight and over their mind like a fog. It was a thorough exhaustion that couldn’t be brushed off by a nap or a joke shared between friends. It might go away with time, but there was no easy way to rid someone of being Tired.

Vax was Tired.

“Well then, come in, and you can lay down. Do you want anything to drink?”

Vax shook his head and went straight for the bed; the room was small and he wasn’t going to leave something awkward where it didn’t need to be by asking permission for every little thing. He sat heavily, and Gilmore joined him after a moment. The second they were both comfortable, Vax took the opportunity to slump over onto Gilmore’s side.

They sat like that together for quite some time. Vax had his eyes closed; while there weren’t any ways to effectively get rid of Tiredness, a way to relieve it, even temporarily, was to keep in contact with someone who mattered deeply. Gilmore seemed to understand the importance of this, and wrapped an arm around Vax’s shoulders. Eventually, Gilmore was the one to break the heavy silence.

“You know, you’re doing magnificent work, Vax’ildan.”

Vax didn’t even open his eyes. “If it’s all the same to you, after the week we’ve both had I’d prefer not to hear about what my friends and I did-”

“This isn’t about that, or about them.”

That got Vax’s attention. He pulled himself off of Gilmore and sat upright so he could properly squint at the other man. “Then what is it?”

“You, personally. You’ve come so far since we first met, you know.”

“Where the hell did that come from?”

Gilmore shrugged, and traced a finger down one of the braids on Vax’s head. “Is it alright if I undo this?”

“...Only if you redo it when you’re done.”

“I wouldn’t think of leaving it otherwise,” Gilmore said, fingers already working deftly to undo the ties keeping each braid in place. He combed his fingers through Vax’s hair gently as he continued. “I just thought it was something you should hear. The Vax I met all those years ago was… Well, to be blunt, he was directionless. He was kind of an asshole.”

“Wow, thanks,” Vax deadpanned, but Gilmore cut him off.

“But you’ve come so far from that. You act like you have purpose now. It’s really quite impressive to see. And whether that purpose came from your friends or your job or your deity, you have a reason you’re still around with us and a reason you’re still going. I remember what you were like, when you brushed off everything as a joke and refused to take things seriously. I think the you from years ago would envy where you are now.” Gilmore finished speaking quietly as he brushed out the last of Vax’s long hair.

Vax, for his part, was entirely still. He’d closed his eyes again somewhere halfway through Gilmore’s speech, but otherwise hadn’t moved from where he sat. Silence stretched before Vax, voice tight, asked, “You really think I’ve come that far?”

“Not only that, I think you should be proud of it,” Gilmore said. “You’ve become so _incredible_ . There aren’t words for it, for what I think of you. Look at me— _me—_ left without words. It’s stunning, Vax, the difference years and good friends and a purpose can make. That’s all I can say, that I’m stunned.”

It was ironic, Vax thought, that Gilmore was the one insisting he was out of words. Vax opened and shut his mouth several times, trying to come up with a response. How was one supposed to react to something like that?

Eventually, action took over thought. He abandoned the awful game of chase his brain was forcing him to play with sentences, and leaned in to kiss Gilmore.

Gilmore was surprised but not unwelcoming. He kissed Vax but pulled away quickly, shock threatening to betray the neutral expression he wore. “What was that for?”  
  
“Because I’ve been an idiot. And because I do remember what an ass I was back then, and gods do you deserve an apology for putting up with such a mess. And it’s a thank you for letting me in tonight, and for-”

Gilmore kissed him.

Vax welcomed being cut off this time. He wasn’t sure where the rest of that sentence was headed, but he was certain Gilmore understood.

“...Thank you, Gil.”

They sat like that together for another hour at least. Gilmore slowly rebraided Vax’s hair; it was more intricate this time; long, complex braids interspersed with bits of ribbon swayed behind Vax when he was done. Still, after that was complete, the two stayed together. It stayed quiet, for the most part, in Gilmore’s room. They sat together, enjoying the act of simply being with someone they each cared about.

It was a difficult thing to be Tired, especially when Tiredness could easily make itself seem all-consuming. It could make things seem like all there ever will be is Tiredness, and that there was no point in continuing into such a dreary future. And while there was no easy way to stop it, and there was no quick way to fix it as there was with tiredness, there were ways to alleviate it. To stay close to a loved one could alleviate being Tired, if only for some time. Genuine compassion from someone that truly cares was a powerful thing, even in small doses.  
As the sun crept over the horizon and cast golden light on the pair in bed, Vax found himself less Tired than he had been in a very, very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was also inspired by Liam's amazing answer to the question "How has Vax progressed (or not) in your eyes?" on Talks Machina last night! He essentially says what Gilmore said in this fic, but he goes more in depth into how Vax is a much deeper character now than he was in the pre-stream games.


End file.
